I have some free time to think about my future and also about the present moment. I think that I will apply for school at U-Vic for September. I have a month to figure out the program and figure out if it will work out for me or not, as in whether I will need to do a term at a feeder school like Camosun. If I do, I hope that I end up at the Camosun that is close to town. It's beautiful there. Old buildings and old trees. after October I don't know where I'll be living, downtown with Tanille still or closer to Uvic if that's where I end up going. It does seem like a good time to go back to school though. En plus, dad told me that school could pretty much be paid for which is pretty rad! Money really does help one to get ahead in this culture, in life. It's so sad to say, and to admit. It really does make me sad. But, I think that realizing this and accepting it has made me into a more realistic thinker. If I want to have everything that I do, and if I want my children to have everything that I've had I need to get an education or some form of steady way to make money. If I were a guide and I got injured I wouldn't have any other skills to back me up. I think that school will help me to feel and be more secure in life. WHich has never been something that I've wanted out of life...security. It's so unromantic. So boring. But this, I now see is actually what I want. I still want to explore and be adventurous. I still don't want to spend copious amounts of money on randomn items that I don't need, but having that money there will uplift my spirit if I amliving in a city or society outside of the forest. I don't want to feel limited or crushed, heavy by poverty. It really can crush your soul. I want too much to be poor. I want to travel, to experience different music and food, wear new clothes once in a while, go sailing...
I do not want to feel guilty about this greedy way of thinking about life. But, I'll do what I have to to keep myself stimulated and interested in life. Whatever it takes is what I'll do because I'm worth that much.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Dan
I just got off the phone with Dan. Why have I put such importance on him. What he does or doesn't do affect my emotions so readily even if I try to push them away. Does this mean that I like him? I like listening to his voice. It makes me want to be in his arms. It is calm, caring and playful. If it were an instrument and it vibrated emotions it would vibrate love throughout the air. It makes me think of his big comfy sweaters that make me want to hold him and hug him.
He sounded a bit strange on the phone today though. Wavering a bit when he asked me how I was. I think that there is not only distance physically between us, but there is too much time in between our moments spent together to make something more significant out of our friendship. I write friendship instead of relationship because it is easier for me to do.
Yet, we are sexual with each other and attracted to one another. I suppose when I think of my friends and their relationships with boyfriends maybe our connection is not as weak as I thought. I do like our time together, he is a friendly caring person and seems to genuinely like me too. Though, it would be nice to get to know one another a little more.
I'll go visit him on the island in a few weeks and see what happens.
He sounded a bit strange on the phone today though. Wavering a bit when he asked me how I was. I think that there is not only distance physically between us, but there is too much time in between our moments spent together to make something more significant out of our friendship. I write friendship instead of relationship because it is easier for me to do.
Yet, we are sexual with each other and attracted to one another. I suppose when I think of my friends and their relationships with boyfriends maybe our connection is not as weak as I thought. I do like our time together, he is a friendly caring person and seems to genuinely like me too. Though, it would be nice to get to know one another a little more.
I'll go visit him on the island in a few weeks and see what happens.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Years 2009
I had a wonderful New Years here in Victoria with Felicia, a girl in my band:).
However, what is really going through my mind right now is New Years 2008 and all of the people that I met in my 6 months of travelling overseas. I miss that feeling of complete freedomn. I miss that feeling of unexpected adventures awaiting around each bend. New faces, new scenery, new places. I miss the people that were so wonderful to me throughout my adventures last year in China, Nepal, and Laos. so many people and all of them are dispersed around the world. It is hard to imagine that for many of us, we will never meet again. We will not be in that same moment again together. I feel sad about that. It's a feeling that I can not avoid right now.
I feel content being here in Victoria, living a normal life. However, I want to make sure to take advantage of each moment spent here. To make sure that I am living life the way that I want to be. To be constantly pushing myself to learn and expand even if there is no schooling or travelling involved. I suppose that this is a New Years Resolution in itself to continue to challenge myself both physically and mentally. To continue to think for myself and try not to get caught up in this consumerism that is my society.
Also, I feel that this New Year I would like to take control of my life and make a plan for myself. I need to find a way to take care of myself financially. It is very hard to do so with no education. No matter what I keep telling myself abou tliving romantically and a degree just being useless. I have street smarts, but I think it's going to take more than that with the low economical situation that is facing our country. If I was in China or any country that had more than 30 million people in it I would be struggling to survive without an education in an even more brutal way than I am now. If I think that this is tough waking up each morning and going to a monotonous retail job or the likes, then I realy havn't looked at the whole picture. Maybe, I should be applying for school while the opportunity is there for me to do so. I should probably take advantage of this situation and commit to it. Time ticks and people get older. I don't want to be depending on others when I can better myself economically and have the means to do so.
Part of me wants to take off and travel for 5 more years until I'm 30. But something else in me told me to settle in Canada. To immerse myself in a community. I am going to listen to this part of myself. I want to get my shit together so that I can be helpful to others.
However, what is really going through my mind right now is New Years 2008 and all of the people that I met in my 6 months of travelling overseas. I miss that feeling of complete freedomn. I miss that feeling of unexpected adventures awaiting around each bend. New faces, new scenery, new places. I miss the people that were so wonderful to me throughout my adventures last year in China, Nepal, and Laos. so many people and all of them are dispersed around the world. It is hard to imagine that for many of us, we will never meet again. We will not be in that same moment again together. I feel sad about that. It's a feeling that I can not avoid right now.
I feel content being here in Victoria, living a normal life. However, I want to make sure to take advantage of each moment spent here. To make sure that I am living life the way that I want to be. To be constantly pushing myself to learn and expand even if there is no schooling or travelling involved. I suppose that this is a New Years Resolution in itself to continue to challenge myself both physically and mentally. To continue to think for myself and try not to get caught up in this consumerism that is my society.
Also, I feel that this New Year I would like to take control of my life and make a plan for myself. I need to find a way to take care of myself financially. It is very hard to do so with no education. No matter what I keep telling myself abou tliving romantically and a degree just being useless. I have street smarts, but I think it's going to take more than that with the low economical situation that is facing our country. If I was in China or any country that had more than 30 million people in it I would be struggling to survive without an education in an even more brutal way than I am now. If I think that this is tough waking up each morning and going to a monotonous retail job or the likes, then I realy havn't looked at the whole picture. Maybe, I should be applying for school while the opportunity is there for me to do so. I should probably take advantage of this situation and commit to it. Time ticks and people get older. I don't want to be depending on others when I can better myself economically and have the means to do so.
Part of me wants to take off and travel for 5 more years until I'm 30. But something else in me told me to settle in Canada. To immerse myself in a community. I am going to listen to this part of myself. I want to get my shit together so that I can be helpful to others.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Material Goods, where to draw the line?
I've been home now for a week. Since I've been here my dad's been hanging out with his girlfriend and I've been torpedoing through the house, getting rid of old stuff, filling my room with my belongings again. It's been a role reversal. I'm always at home doing work, and my dad is always out having fun. Funny thing is, that it's by choice. Well, tomorrow is the second day of the garage sale, been making some good cash which is cool, it'll help to pay for some groceries and rent. Oh how I hate reality.
okay on topic though, it's been strange and interesting to see how I relate to material items. I've gone through some of mom's things and a lot of memories fly back into my mind of her, but mostly it makes me wonder even more about her. What would she have to say if she were here right now? What I would do to be able to have a night's conversation with my mom!!
A cool fact: I was ripping some pages out of lined paper books that mom had only written on a few pages and then noticed that there were some pages already missing. Then I continued on further in the book and found some of my writing from elementary school!! Mom had already re-used these binders and now I was doing the same thing that she already had to the same books! It made me feel less guilty about ripping her pages out.
On the material items topic, I also was getting rid of jewellery I have WAY too much. Anyways, most of the pieces of jewellery were either given to me or else I got them in different countries. It was like each piece of jewellery represented a period of time in my life, or else a snippet of memories. Jewellery from Cuba, I remember mom and dad gave Erica and I $200 bucks to spend and we spent almost all of it in markets buying random things and going crazy at the jewellery stalls! Maybe it was less than $200.
I'm going through this weird stage in life where I think that owning too many material goods is greedy and unnecessary, cutting us off from what really matters in life. Though, I'm coming to realize that experiences soon turn into memories and all that one has left are those memories later on in one's life, so if a piece of material matter like jewellery remind one of a good time it can't be wrong to own it. Can it?
Where to draw my lines? Where does the grey area start and stop? I'm struggling right now to figure it out.
Right and Wrong are such strong and misunderstood words. Right compared to what? Wrong compared to what? It just depends on your life experience.
Anyways, I should get to bed since I'm going to sell some of those material goods at a garage sale in the morning, which is quickly approaching.
okay on topic though, it's been strange and interesting to see how I relate to material items. I've gone through some of mom's things and a lot of memories fly back into my mind of her, but mostly it makes me wonder even more about her. What would she have to say if she were here right now? What I would do to be able to have a night's conversation with my mom!!
A cool fact: I was ripping some pages out of lined paper books that mom had only written on a few pages and then noticed that there were some pages already missing. Then I continued on further in the book and found some of my writing from elementary school!! Mom had already re-used these binders and now I was doing the same thing that she already had to the same books! It made me feel less guilty about ripping her pages out.
On the material items topic, I also was getting rid of jewellery I have WAY too much. Anyways, most of the pieces of jewellery were either given to me or else I got them in different countries. It was like each piece of jewellery represented a period of time in my life, or else a snippet of memories. Jewellery from Cuba, I remember mom and dad gave Erica and I $200 bucks to spend and we spent almost all of it in markets buying random things and going crazy at the jewellery stalls! Maybe it was less than $200.
I'm going through this weird stage in life where I think that owning too many material goods is greedy and unnecessary, cutting us off from what really matters in life. Though, I'm coming to realize that experiences soon turn into memories and all that one has left are those memories later on in one's life, so if a piece of material matter like jewellery remind one of a good time it can't be wrong to own it. Can it?
Where to draw my lines? Where does the grey area start and stop? I'm struggling right now to figure it out.
Right and Wrong are such strong and misunderstood words. Right compared to what? Wrong compared to what? It just depends on your life experience.
Anyways, I should get to bed since I'm going to sell some of those material goods at a garage sale in the morning, which is quickly approaching.
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